The inmates are running the asylum

OK, maybe I’m biased. I mean I did risk life and limb to escape the confines of that mad hatter’s den of iniquity.  But over at Wako, crazy is the new Normal.

First off, the inmates patients are – hmmm, how can I put this nicely - INSANE! I mean bonkers, don’t even bother inflating a life raft.  They stare off in space, they pace in circles, and they mumble with all the soft cadence of tin cans clattering on pavement.

And those are the good days.

Sure, exec director Adam Tessler keeps things tight as a drum. The patients prisoners have that screwy computer chip in their brains designed to keep ‘em mellow yellow.  But that’s more for if they escape. In-house, there’s an array of tasty side dishes on the menu, just in case things go psycho haywire, which is kind of common, like every day:  wild sessions involving new age barfaroni hologram crap, and spa workouts using water torture therapy.

All I can say is it’s a good thing the staff are on pharmaceuticals.

Which leads me to that flame-haired deviant Nicky Sanders. Nicky’s heroin of choice is Mr Heartthrob himself Adam Tessler, and she controls access to him like she’s holding down Fort Knox with an Uzi. Just memorize these fine points and it’s all you’ll need to know:  (1)  She can’t stand any female within a 100 mile range, and (2) she can’t stand any man, woman, child or PIG who gets in her way.

Dr Sara Hobbs, the esteemed (?) psychotherapist of the joint, puts up with Nicky – or maybe Nicky has the goods on her.  Either way, the fireworks are a-comin’ – cause this firecracker’s gonna blow.

Watch out - she's gonna blow!

WAKO - It's all in who you know

Dearest Diary,

Turmoil at Waiklund with the emergence of a new intern from UNTN named Daisy Oh.  I’ve been trying to get Adam to let me vet these students cuz he may be brilliant, but he has no clue re day 2 day operations.

I find this girl unpleasant in the extreme + am quite sure will shortly find reason that makes her unsuitable.  Like when I told her not to put her humungus Dolce and effin’ Gabbana tote under her desk, the look she gave me. What the hell was that about?  In just two days, she has repeatedly overstepped her bounds!

I find it pretty impressive that she feels she can take me on. 

Roland watch, day 55:

How many times do I have to flash my credentials to the guard?   It’s just so much incompetence.

Yeah, moron, I have an uzi under my seat!!!!

<3 <3 <3

FILE under “Lookin’ Good”   Just brightened hair color and had mani + pedi.  When Adam sees me typing with these new baby blues, LOL don’t know what he’ll say.  But I know he’ll LOVE IT!!!!!

A story in search of meaning

CHIEF WATTS: Travis, I realize you’re upset, but what am I supposed to do? There is no record of any wrongdoing at Waiklund.

TRAVIS:  You don’t find these so-called bear attacks a little fishy?

CHIEF WATTS:  I can’t barge in and arrest people based on an unsubstantiated hunch.

TRAVIS: It’s not a hunch. You and I both know something is going on at Wako.

CHIEF WATTS:  Uh-huh. And how do we know this?

TRAVIS:  It’s an insane asylum!  Isn’t that enough?

CHIEF WATTS:  Nothing is going on. It’s a bunch of lost souls living out what measly life they have left.

TRAVIS: You know and I know…

CHIEF WATTS: No, you don’t know! Every patient has a computer chip in his brain. And we’ve never found one embedded chip in any brain autopsied.  And as you are aware, every violent death or unexplained death gets autopsied. There’s never been one escape at Waiklund.

TRAVIS:  I settled here 7 years ago because I had a dream -

CHIEF WATTS: I thought it was a vision… after you ate those mushrooms.

TRAVIS:  – over at Calgary Rock. The Rock has a powerful aura.

CHIEF WATTS:  Right.

TRAVIS: And what I learned from that powerful incident is that Wako must be stopped.

CHIEF WATTS: So how does this relate to the two bear attacks?

TRAVIS: The attacks are happening because Wako is whack.  Why do I have to keep telling you this? Are you a moron?

CHIEF WATTS: I like to think I’m a friend, Travis. I always try and stay on your side during altercations. You know that.

TRAVIS:  I can’t even carry on a civilized conversation with you.

CHIEF WATTS:  Look, we’re trying to find the bear. When we find it, all your concern will be over. In the meantime, can you just stop yanking my chain?

TRAVIS: You’re fixing the symptom, not the problem. Maybe it’s time to get your thumb out of your ass.

Email messages:

To Dr Leon Coopers: “Dear Professor Coopers: Waiklund is great. Thank you for suggesting me as an intern there. How can it get any better? See you in class.”

Dr Leon Coopers, professor at UNTN

To Dr. Adam Tessler: “Thank you for the opportunity to intern at Waiklund. It’s an honor to work with the very best.”

Dr Adam Tessler, Director of Waiklund Institute

Pleased to make your acquaintance

OK, here I am. Let’s just say it wasn’t easy, but I managed to escape from my cage over at the Waiklund Institute (known to the locals here as Wako) and have situated myself nicely within the confines of Normal.

When I say normal, I mean normal in two ways:  first, my sanity is restored, and second, it’s the name of the town.  Population 4,360, give or take a couple of dead bodies.  Normal is up north in California and is known world-wide, not only for Wako, but for its breathtaking beauty, the fancy pants University of Normal Tech and Neuroscience, and of course, the nut-job survivalists that live out by Calgary Rock, those Night of the Living Dead rejects the town folk, and our MAYOR Colby Stone, never talk about.

Yeah, Colby Stone, the billionaire techie who spreads love and goodwill.  He’s our Mayor.  Go figure.

Anyway, glad to make your acquaintance.  The name’s Hewey.

You were expecting maybe Morgan Freeman?