As Mayor, it gives me great honor…

My press secretary just released Normal’s stellar events calendar for the year.  Tourist season is upon us and Chief Watts assured me he’s getting his ass in gear to round up that crazed bear.  Why does it take so many phone calls for one lousy bear?  Nevertheless, I feel a calmness and a serenity…

On my way to work. It’s a perfect day! That’s why I love Normal. There’s Calvin Pepper jogging down Main, Jimmy Franklin high-fiving as he skateboards, Sara Hobbs looking absolutely wiped (when does she not??), and Chief Watts petting the Riley’s labradoodle.

Calvin Pepper, struggling writer

Jimmy Franklin, app developer

Sara Hobbs, clinical psychiatrist

Chief Darrell Watts

Chief Watts has a big…

All right, what do you get when you cross a mild-mannered law enforcement officer with an off-the-grid survivalist?  Answer:  Plenty of weekends shot to hell.

That’s the low-down on the hoe-down between Chief Darrell Watts and Travis Opal.  (OK, I sound like a hick, but I just got out of prison for f**k’s sake.) Point is, Travis is always yanking the Chief’s chain.  A bear kills a deer out on a trail – you’d think it was the x-rated version of Jaws 7.

In Ring #1:  Chief Darrell Watts, a congenial dedicated cop who worked the hardscrabble streets of L.A. until he moved to Normal five years ago for a little peace and quiet.  As luck would have it, he became Police Chief a year later after the former Chief was killed by a rabid deer.  Tough break for the dead guy.

In Ring #2:  Travis Opal, an OCD-type and de facto leader of the survivalist compound, living out at the old army barracks near Calgary Rock. Travis is always kickin’ up a dust storm.  Some people like his attitude, a lot of people don’t.

Me?  I’m just the narrator. I don’t like confrontation. It puts me off my nuts.  Chief Watts has a big problem.

Chief Darrell Watts

Travis Opal, leader of the survivalist compound