As Mayor, it gives me great honor…

My press secretary just released Normal’s stellar events calendar for the year.  Tourist season is upon us and Chief Watts assured me he’s getting his ass in gear to round up that crazed bear.  Why does it take so many phone calls for one lousy bear?  Nevertheless, I feel a calmness and a serenity…

A story in search of meaning

CHIEF WATTS: Travis, I realize you’re upset, but what am I supposed to do? There is no record of any wrongdoing at Waiklund.

TRAVIS:  You don’t find these so-called bear attacks a little fishy?

CHIEF WATTS:  I can’t barge in and arrest people based on an unsubstantiated hunch.

TRAVIS: It’s not a hunch. You and I both know something is going on at Wako.

CHIEF WATTS:  Uh-huh. And how do we know this?

TRAVIS:  It’s an insane asylum!  Isn’t that enough?

CHIEF WATTS:  Nothing is going on. It’s a bunch of lost souls living out what measly life they have left.

TRAVIS: You know and I know…

CHIEF WATTS: No, you don’t know! Every patient has a computer chip in his brain. And we’ve never found one embedded chip in any brain autopsied.  And as you are aware, every violent death or unexplained death gets autopsied. There’s never been one escape at Waiklund.

TRAVIS:  I settled here 7 years ago because I had a dream -

CHIEF WATTS: I thought it was a vision… after you ate those mushrooms.

TRAVIS:  – over at Calgary Rock. The Rock has a powerful aura.

CHIEF WATTS:  Right.

TRAVIS: And what I learned from that powerful incident is that Wako must be stopped.

CHIEF WATTS: So how does this relate to the two bear attacks?

TRAVIS: The attacks are happening because Wako is whack.  Why do I have to keep telling you this? Are you a moron?

CHIEF WATTS: I like to think I’m a friend, Travis. I always try and stay on your side during altercations. You know that.

TRAVIS:  I can’t even carry on a civilized conversation with you.

CHIEF WATTS:  Look, we’re trying to find the bear. When we find it, all your concern will be over. In the meantime, can you just stop yanking my chain?

TRAVIS: You’re fixing the symptom, not the problem. Maybe it’s time to get your thumb out of your ass.

Oh Lord, just got a call. Travis Opal is coming in.

What the Holy Crap?!

It’s happening all over again…  Bear attack, my ass.

All anyone can talk about at the Pick Me Up is the bear attack on the deer. Not too common – especially on a trail everyone walks.

PATRON #1: I’ve heard it’s happened more than once and they’re keeping it quiet so it won’t effect tourist season.

PATRON #2: I heard a jogger was planning on running the trail out there by herself. Totally dumb.

PATRON #3: This is not normal behavior for a bear, maybe at hibernation time, but not now.

Quiet weekend. Reading yesterday’s Normal Times about bear attacks. Calm, nuanced, well done. Hope Travis Opal doesn’t see it.

Normal Times blurb on bear attack

Just sent a couple of officers out to the Nutty Putty campgrounds to check out a  supposed bear attack. Deer killed.